This week is all about learning how to have difficult conversations.
This week is all about learning how to have difficult conversations within our personal and business life. It is important to know how to navigate confrontation or keep yourself and others accountable when facing conflict.
Often we can be afraid of having difficult conversations because we are afraid of sharing our true feelings, fear of judgement or wanting to avoid an uncomfortable moment which can lead to spending a lot of time avoiding what needs to be said.
It is important to be able to communicate your needs and set boundaries in your life and communicate in a way that represents who you are.
Reasons on why we avoid difficult conversations
1. You don’t want to be disliked
No matter how well prepared you are, you can never be sure how the conversation will play out – the other person’s reaction to what you have to say can often be a showstopper. Fear of resentment and even or retaliation are commonplace, as is the concern that things will quickly get personal.
2. You don’t like confrontation
Many of us are conflict-avoiders and for good evolutionary reasons! You might well know that a challenging conversation is the only way to begin to change things for the better, but your instinct may be telling you otherwise!
3. You’re partly to blame
Having to face up to the fact that you may have played a part in creating the issue can feel like an admission of failure.
4. You’re afraid of looking foolish
What if you initiate the conversation, but then don’t know how to continue with it? We have all been in situations where confronting someone with the problem has only made it worse, particularly where the other party has a very different view on the matter.
5. You’re not sure whether you’re the right person to do it
You’ve noticed a need for a change and want to do something about it. Yet things aren't always so clear-cut. On what basis do you have permission to initiate the conversation? What’s the likelihood of you getting out of your depth?
Source: https://www.impactinternational.com/blog/2015/07/are-you-avoiding-challenging-conversation
BENEFITS ON HAVING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
1. There are huge health benefits to expressing yourself
Being able to express yourself is an important part of your own mental and physical health. If you’ve been avoiding – or maybe even dreading – having difficult conversations, you may be holding onto what’s known as internal stress. This is when external issues cause you to overanalyze and essentially worry excessively about something.
By keeping these emotions bottled up, this stress can then manifest itself as physical tension, resulting in migraines, sleeplessness, and even high blood pressure. If you suffer from a chronic illness, additional stress can sometimes aggravate existing conditions – which we don’t want!
2. Talking can help generate new ideas
There have been various studies into why this happens; some believe that in the process of talking, our internal monologue is forced to slow down, allowing us to process information in a more mindful, considered way.
In getting the information out of our heads and into the world, we’re given the opportunity to organize our thoughts into logical sentences and achieve a deeper level of understanding about what we’re thinking or feeling.
3. Defining the “difficult” in the difficult conversation helps reduce it
In labelling our emotions within a social setting, we’re able to place them within in the context of a conversation, instead of leaving them to stew in our heads (i.e. moving them into an external sphere, as opposed to keeping them in an internal one).
Verbalizing your thoughts and feelings, no matter how difficult, is a hugely important part of sustaining a healthy and happy brain, and the more difficult conversations you have, the better you’ll get at them.
HOW TO APPROACH HAVING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Often we can feel out of our depth when expressing our emotions and having difficult conversations. It’s important to move slowly and be mindful of how we communicate our feelings. Here are some tips to consider from Brene Brown
B.R.A.V.I.N.G in depth
Boundaries: Boundaries are HUGE. In a nutshell, they help us let the good stuff in and keep the bad stuff out—“stuff” being people, experiences, information, emotional states, and more. This is a meaty topic and something we explore in more depth in the Be Your Own Hero course.
Reliability: Doing what we say we’re going to do when we say we’re going to do it. Being aware of our strengths and limitations and acting accordingly.
Accountability: Taking ownership for our behaviour, including making amends when we make mistakes
Vault: This is similar to boundaries but important enough to warrant its own category. In Rising Strong, Brené describes this as not sharing experiences that aren’t ours to share.
Integrity: When our actions match our words and when we practise our values rather than just profess them. In Rising Strong, Brené also includes “choosing courage over comfort.”
Non-Judgement: Being able to ask for what we need and talk about how we feel without being judged (and vice versa for other people).
Generosity: Extending the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others. I borrow the phrase “assuming the best” from Tara Swiger to remind me of this.
How to cultivate self-trust using B.R.A.V.I.N.G
As Brené explains, we can also apply these ingredients to ourselves to get a measure of our self-trust.
B – Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?
R—Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?
A—Did I hold myself accountable?
V—Did I respect the vault and share accordingly?
I—Did I act from my integrity?
N—Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgemental about needing help?
G—Was I generous towards myself?”
Some TIPS ON HAVING A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION
Plan Ahead
Before you begin to plan and arrange your thoughts, analyse and scrutinise them. Are you coming from a place of calm and reason? Write down what you hope to express. What are you feeling? What’s the best way to articulate your truth? By mapping out your thoughts, the purpose will become clear and you will be focused.
Be Calm and Composed
If you walk in ready to fight, expect a fight! Take time to ground yourself. Use a calm voice, be clear and don’t let the anger brew within you.
Be Reasonable and Open to Feelings
I always say - try to place yourself in the other person’s shoes as much as possible. Try to understand a little about why the person is feeling and do what they are doing. Often difficult conversations happen due to a build-up of past issues and a lack of clear and concise communication. Remember, we are all unique and are the culmination of different upbringings, values and beliefs.
Avoid Preconceived Expectations
Most times you may have some ideal outcomes set in your mind, but these might not always be the way forward. Ideals are great, but be flexible on what result might suit. Instead of expecting the other person to apologise or meet your desired outcomes, let the discussion unfold naturally.
Walk Away If You Need To
There will be times when the conversation does take a turn for the worst, and that’s ok! It’s how you react to this that can help sort the situation. Take some time out by saying “I feel that I might not be coming across in the way I had hoped for, I’d love to take a break and come back to this conversation when I feel like my head is a little clearer.” Taking the time out can help you refocus and get your energy back into a better place, just make sure it’s not to avoid the discussion altogether.
If you find it hard to have difficult conversations, you can build the skills over time to feel confident having difficult conversations. It will always feel scary and uncomfortable, but you will always feel much better communicating how you feel and embracing the uncertainty of the conversation.
week 30 book
Our book inspiration this week is Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton
Difficult Conversations is the definitive work on handling these unpleasant exchanges, based on 15 years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project.
It teaches us to work through them by understanding that we're not engaging in one dialogue but three: the "what happened" conversation (what do we believe was said and done), the "feelings" conversation (the emotional impact on everyone involved), and the "identity" conversation (what does this mean for everyone's opinion of themselves).
WEEK 30 PODCAST
This week’s podcast inspiration is The Marie Forleo Podcast.
Marie Forleo’s goal is to help you become the person you most want to be. In this show, Marie and her guests share actionable strategies for greater happiness, success, motivation, creativity, productivity, love, health, contribution and fulfillment